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jessamine irene martin (crazy, eh?)
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| California |
[24 Dec 2008|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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Christmas muzac! |
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So, I've returned.
This should prove interesting, but also relaxing and enjoyable XD
...I miss snow.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| now joining the ranks of the single |
[18 Aug 2008|10:15pm] |
Breaking up is an interesting feeling. When separated through mostly good terms with just a bit of awkwardness and an expected misunderstanding lurking in the shadows, the heart-break tends to sit and stew, waiting for the opportune moment when it will hurt the most. Usually it comes at night, when the crazy distractions of the day have all settled down and darkness has taken over the light that kept such shadows at bay. Night is when one tends to feel the most vulnerable as the world becomes a different setting, as noises fade and suppressed thoughts bubble up to fill in the now empty space. Thoughts that were once random and usually transferred smoothly into nonsensical dreams are now lost but also set on one dreary and quite starkly painful topic, or in this case person.
This is a feeling I have never before dealt with. A mixture of sadness, anger, loneliness, indescribable loss, and a deep anguish that I have yet to fully understand. I have lost someone so very dear to me, and in a way that was both painfully abrupt but also agonizingly drawn out. Yes, I have been hurt in the past, been rejected and crushed and led on only to be pushed away and replaced by another, sometimes even used only to get closer to someone else. But this was so very different. This time I have been abandoned by a person who only a few weeks ago was a large part of my world, and for once I was a large part of his. For the first time my painful pattern of unrequited love was broken and suddenly I was wanted, I was watched, I was needed, I was his. And he, he was mine.
Some days I can go whole hours without thinking his name or remembering his touch, but others I find myself seeing him, seeing our memories together, in every corner I look. Some nights I'm able to concentrate on the soft surrounding noises and think only of the day to come, but on nights like tonight I can only lay still and let this sadness pass through, let the memories and desires flood me until I am finally lulled to sleep by nothing more than simple emotional exhaustion.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| I've decided |
[13 Mar 2008|09:18am] |
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mood |
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 cynical & sarcastic |
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music |
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Santana- Into the Night |
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that straining a leg muscle sucks.
But straining a leg muscle the day before grease pole and at a time where I barely get to see Joe as it is and now can't see him at school because I'm home heating my stupid weak leg....well there just aren't words.
Cue dramatic sigh.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| I should just call this my emojournal |
[08 Jan 2008|08:30pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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Jellybean~ I wish |
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But who cares, I'm done with college-apps biatch!!!! XD Now all that's left is mailing out and checking in with teacher rec's to make sure they are also being sent out in time. Phew, this feels good.
Now, off to start this damned primaries project that Kuderka so lovingly dumped on us as one last crutch in this stupid AP government class...ugh, can it be over yet????
P.S. I am so happy with my new hair, it amazes even me. It's like one of those things where I think I've found my hair-style for life. That's how amazingly comfortable and happy I am with this hair. :)
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| It's here |
[01 Dec 2007|10:30pm] |
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mood |
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 a little numb |
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February 6th. Indiana, Indianapolis. He got his mission call and now he'll be gone by February sixth.
Maybe by then I'll be over this stupid feeling. He doesn't like me, so maybe then I'll finally have moved on.
I've been waiting for this for a long time now. Three years I've known him, two years I've liked him, come close to even loving him. But all that was shut down a little over a month ago. And now, the time I have dreaded since the moment I realized there was more than friendship there, that time is here.
I'm crying. Thank God, I'm finally crying.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| all i want to do is cry. |
[24 Nov 2007|10:18pm] |
Pent up inside are so many feelings. Shock, disappointment, fatigue, overwhelmed-ness, a sadness i can hardly explain or understand, a deep longing to not feel so alone in a life i shouldn't be feeling alone in. I want to cry. I need to cry. For all that keeps passing through my silly naive mind I should be bawling non-stop.
But no. That part of me somewhere within still refuses to give up its strength, its voracity, its will to survive, move on, conquer another day, another crush, another let down, then another day once more. This inner strength is also an unexplainable trait that I can never fully understand, but its there, always pushing me forward, far away from hurtful horrible memories that I should sit down and cope with and learn from. But instead I just shake them off and try, try again in a field where trying has done nothing for me for years and years.
None of this is making any sense. I'm not making any sense. My thoughts, what I believe to be my emotions, never make any sense and I don't know what to believe, what to allow myself to see, to think, and above all to feel.
My mind is askew, my heart feels unwhole, yet my head cannot cry. Why crying? You may ask. Because crying is such a perfect way of just letting it all out. After a good cry one feels so light and rejuvinated, as if yes, there is now a way to cope and move on and learn. Crying releases any and all locked in thoughts and emotions, everything comes out during a long bout of tears. Everything, at least for one second, can be resolved and then forgotten, leaving open pathways for a brighter day.
So why does my head refuse to release it all? All I want is to cry. It's my last hope, my last ditch idea and effort in hopes of releasing myself from this funk that appeared a while back and seems to have settled for the long run. Believe me, self-pity is not my thing, sadness is not something I look forward to or hope to prolong. But it's here. And now, I'll just wait and see if those tears will finally drop. And, hopefully, if they do, then they'll help.
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(3 kids | with an elastic waistband)
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| wow |
[28 Oct 2007|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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low moment! my bad dude, my bad. i always tell myself not to go near the computer when i'm having one of those "emotional days" but it happens, it happens.
argh, why is the weekend over already??!?!?!??! but hey! wednesday should prove to be very interesting...im excited to see what costumes people can come up with, im happy with mine so far..... :)
really not looking forward to english tomorrow, seeing as how a good portion of our class didnt finish the essay last week like we were supposed to, and musmecci will most likely either go insane or implode...or both, who knows with this woman? which makes me kinda sad though, because i like her as a person, just not as a teacher...at the moment...ugh.
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(3 kids | with an elastic waistband)
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| Sometimes I wonder |
[24 Oct 2007|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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why I ever thought he could love me back. But then all it takes is just five minutes of talking to him, being with him, and I see it again. I feel it again. Yet now, all of these feelings and senses have been shut down. He said it to my face, with no hesitation and no emotion. He's never even considered me as more than just a friend.
This is the way it is. This is the way it will always be. And now he is leaving soon, and finally I'll be able to move on.
But I know a part of me will always wonder. And a part of me will always hope.
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(2 kids | with an elastic waistband)
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| School |
[03 Sep 2007|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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 thinking, as per usual |
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is an interesting place.
It's odd to think this'll be my last year here. It's sad to think I might not see a lot of my close friends after graduation. That is the one downside to college, and it's coming up soon.
Too soon.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| I'm officially going crazy... |
[29 Aug 2007|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Big Bad Voodoo Daddy-You and Me and the Bottle makes Three Tonight |
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Um, it's raining right now.
Outside. Where about an hour ago there was sun and heat, there is now a passing cloud that just happens to be releasing large drops of condensation onto the ground.
I'm sorry, when again were we moved to some other state in our sleep? 'Cuz this sure ain't Cali-style summer weather...
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(with an elastic waistband)
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[12 Aug 2007|02:20pm] |
The first week of Safety Town was interesting. The second week, which starts tomorrow, should be even better, especially since I'm now a floater instead of a counselor, meaning instead of having kids I'm doing background jobs. Putting out carpet squares, preparing snack, stuffing bags with the stuff that visitors bring, simple but time-consuming things like that. I even get to control the traffic light when the kids are driving around the town.
Most likely none of this will make any sense to anyone, but I'm a little down right now and just felt like typing. And that's what came out.
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(1 kid | with an elastic waistband)
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| summer lovin' |
[15 Jul 2007|11:35pm] |
not. but i got your attention right?
too bad i have nothing to say.
p.s. my parents are gone tuesday to sunday PLUS i just got my driver's license so call if you're free because i know i'll just be sitting around not doing much :) coolness.
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(1 kid | with an elastic waistband)
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| question |
[21 Jun 2007|09:42pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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OK, so I got my SAT subject test scores today, but I'm still slightly confused about what they mean. Here they are:
Literature - 600
Mathematics Level 2 - 670
U.S. History - 570
I tried reading all the explanations, guides and such on the collegeboard website but none of them really helped. Can someone possibly explain them in a language that my lazy mind can understand? Or if anything, can anyone tell me if these scores are good? SAT's can be such a bother...
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(4 kids | with an elastic waistband)
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| some highlights |
[09 Jun 2007|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 wired |
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ok, so basically i just got back from seeing a movie (more on that later) and am now too hyped up on soda/candy/popcorn to sleep for at least another hour. so here are some highlights from my life in the recent past...
-i did really well on the SAT's, which means a couple of good things. 1: i have no desire to ever take them ever again for fear of the almost 100% certainty that i would do worse. 2: i now have even more good news to add to my future college app's (because everything we do at this age leads to college app's). 3: less pressure from the parents! woot!
-friday i went and saw the last improv show with Cattie. it was pretty good, made me laugh a lot actually. but the highlight of the show for me (this will be very repetitive for Cattie who had to listen to me be joyous about it for at least ten minutes straight) was when alex coleman was playing the part of an evil guy, and he sent his bird off to watch these two princes. what made me so happy was the name alex gave to the bird: Baracute (not sure if that's spelled right, but oh well). for everyone who is now confused, that's the name of the huge bird in Rescuers Down Under that the little boy was trying so hard to save from the poacher. it basically made me so happy that someone else also loved that movie enough to remember that name and use it somewhere.
-lastly, tonight i went and saw Ocean's 13 with a good group of friends. our original plan was to see Pirates 3 but the tickets sold out before everyone could get one. so we traded in our tickets for Ocean's 13 and yeah....saw it. it was actually pretty good, in terms of a third movie. it made me laugh a lot, and really hard too. there was one scene involving opra and men crying that i'm still giggling about right now....so basically i recommend it to like, everyone, and i promise it doesn't ruin the first one at all. and it is also the reason im totally wired right now and fear i may get very little sleep tonight, which would be a bad thing. i need sleep.
if you actually read all of this i hope i was able to make you giggle to yourself at least once. i think that's a good enough award for reading all the crap i have to say from time to time :)
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(1 kid | with an elastic waistband)
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| Tomorrow... |
[01 Jun 2007|08:21pm] |
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mood |
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thinking (what else?) |
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music |
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Beauty & the Beast |
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Three SAT Subject Tests (blargh!) followed by a wonderous viewing of Pirates 3 (accompanied by friends of course). There's even the hope that a certain guy will be seeing Pirates at the same time with a different group of friends, and I'm hoping our groups will mesh well...with maybe the results of me sitting with him? I can only hope....and wait.
But all of this is so silly. Sometimes I'm amazed at the silliness of crushes, and the silliness of me while being crushed.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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| i wish... |
[23 May 2007|05:22pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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West Side Story soundtrack |
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that my nose would stop sporadically bleeding for no reason. that would be nice.
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(with an elastic waistband)
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jestopher's journal
mildly frustrated/sad
sleepy time now...